Postpartum for Partners:“What can I do?”
by ERDC Doula, Sheyda
Here’s part 2 of our 2-part postpartum series by Sheyda!
As a postpartum doula, I often hear couples mention that they want their baby to be able to take a bottle so that the partner can also share the work of feeding the baby. Yes, feeding a newborn is A LOT of work. However, if there is a nursing parent involved, pumping milk and the mental load of making sure there is milk available in the fridge adds more work to that parent’s plate, not less. At the beginning, the mother/parent-baby dyad needs to learn how to nurse by spending time together and by nursing. Yes, we want the baby to also know how to take a bottle – all in good time! There are a lot of other things to do in the meantime!
So, if you are expecting a baby soon and not the one to give birth, and wondering where you will fit in during this time of transition, read on for some ideas on what you can do to prepare and to support your partner.
Before baby arrives:
· Prepare meals for the freezer, and stock the pantry and fridge before the birth. You and your partner will both be thankful later when you can quickly reheat a nutritious meal.
· Do your own research on birth, postpartum recovery and baby care. Often partners will defer to the birthing parent to make decisions for the baby’s health and care and this is a huge invisible mental load that can be shared. You are both learning how to parent and care for your new baby.
· Build up your own support systems – talk with friends who have already had babies and/or connect with other expecting parents beforehand so that you have folks to go to for emotional support during the postpartum period and throughout your parenting journey.
· Talk with your partner about the basic things you each need to “feel human,” so that you can prioritize these things for each other and thus have a greater capacity to show up as better parents and partners.
For your baby:
Change the diapers! All the diapers! Newborns have small tummies and are eating and then soiling diapers nonstop.
Hold the baby and become an expert in other ways of soothing besides nursing. This can be spending time skin to skin with your baby, shushing and bouncing them, learning how to transfer them into their bassinet once asleep…
Learn how to babywear - wear baby out on a walk for fresh air, while the birth giver rests. You can wear your baby and have them on your body while having your hands free to do other tasks.
For your partner:
Protect the postpartum space. Help take care of the logistical communications with visitors. Keep the burdens out as much as you can, if they can wait.
Feed the birth giver. If they are nursing, they will need a handheld snack and beverage every time they sit down to nurse.
Be gentle. After giving birth, the hormonal shift is huge, resulting in a lot of changing emotions. Try to be patient and kind and give your partner a lot of grace.
Encourage them and tell them how well they are doing, and how lucky your baby is to have them as their mother/parent.
Massage. Be generous with comforting touch, if birth parent enjoys it - hugs, cuddles, massage, comforting touch without expectation.
Have confidence in your dyad. if nursing, understand that there is a learning curve at first. Be encouraging. When things are difficult, slow down and believe that your dyad can do it! You don’t need to rush in with a bottle. Take the baby and bounce them or give them your finger to suck on, while your partner can reset.
Wash pump parts/bottles.
If the birth giver is really overwhelmed, put them to bed. Have them take a nap - get them an eye-mask and say you’ve got the baby. Or if they want to sleep with the baby, keep an eye on them both so that they can sleep worry free.
No matter who is working inside the home and who is working outside the home, you are both working and both of you deserve sleep and time spent “off-duty” from caregiving. The overwhelm that comes during this period can turn partners against each other, when really you can be each others’ greatest allies!
And lastly, do things for yourself that are on that "feel human list!" And make space for your partner to do the same.
The postpartum period is not only a time for the birth giver to heal and for the baby to grow — it’s also a powerful opportunity for partners to step up and lead with love. By taking charge of the household, anticipating needs, and actively sharing in the mental load, you create space for deep rest, recovery, and connection between mother/primary parent and baby. Your presence, patience, and willingness to carry the weight of this transition can make all the difference. This is your time to be the anchor — steady, supportive, and fully engaged — as your family takes its first steps forward together.
